Thursday, July 14, 2011

Control Freak

Today I feel like control is absolutely slipping through my fingers.  And, for me that is a big deal.  I am a control freak.  I love to be in control - control over the daily schedule, my emotions, my family dynamic, my career, my ministry.

Most days I feel like God knows this about me and lets me think I've got everything under control.  Then days like today happen and I realize I have no control at all.  No control over a teething toddler who clearly has a mind of his own and has since birth.  (I think he may have inherited the control freak gene, which should make things VERY interesting!)  No control over our family unit and our future (sorry, gotta be vague here but it's nothing bad I promise!).  No control over my teaching career (I should mention that one of the reasons I love teaching is that I have control over MY classroom).  No control over various aspects of the college ministry Bryan and I are leading.  And, no control of my own emotions.

I feel like the more I try to hold on, white knuckled, for control -- the more I am losing it.

In fact, I've done this a lot today --

I know that God is trying to teach me a lesson in this.  It seems to be a lesson that I'll never learn --

First, that my life is not mine.  Second, that I was not designed to have control.*

Jeremiah 10:23 -- I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

I know that I should, "Let go and let God."  But that is SO HARD for me.  Sometimes I just want to shout, "I've got this, Lord! I promise I'll do a good job if you just give it to me!"  

But, then I hear him say the same thing right back.  Except His is a promise that can't be broken.  Because, how many times have I failed if I try to keep control?  Do I have to think back over time, or can I just count today?  Because, I think the dozen face palms I've given myself today answers that question.

My grandmother's favorite verse is Proverbs 3:5-6 -- Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

Days like today, find me leaning on this verse with all I am.  I know that I will fall short of fully trusting the Lord and not trying to do things my way, but I acknowledge that; and I acknowledge that His plan is so much more perfect and wonderful than mine.  

So, right now I promise to give all the control to Him.  Even if that's the hardest thing in the world for me to do.  

Is it bad that I still hope He'll clue me in a little? :)


*I'm so thankful for wonderful online devotionals like this one that can direct me to scripture and explain how it is relevant to exactly what I'm going through.

1 comment:

  1. I feel Christians struggle with this more than others. We have great scripture reminding us that He's got it. Our Post-It Note faith (leave the answer on the table, God, and I'll read it and do what you say when I wake up) often makes us blind to how big our God is! "Our God is Greater, Our God is Stronger, Our God is Higher than any other!" We faIl to remember those words and still expect Him to be confined to a 3"x3" yellow slip of sticky paper!

    You know all of this as do I. And as you said, it's monstrously hard to let go. I struggle too.

    "The Lord will fight for You, You need only to be still." Exodus 14:14 You're not alone! I will continue to pray for you, Bryan, and Jackson! I feel and treat the three of you as my "not insane crazy West Tennessee family who is completely dissimilar from my INSANE East Tennessee family! :-)

    I pray your "battles" are quickly won and God grants you the peace and serenity only He can provide.

    Blessings and Peace,